Insomnia + Spider + Turtle = Me

turtleI passed out at 10 p.m. from sheer exhaustion after another day of being pregnant + mom. I was so looking forward to a peaceful night of sleep. My boys have stopped fighting. My daughter is no longer crying. And I don’t have to pick up another Lego until the sun is back up. Instead, it’s now 4:47 a.m. and I’ve been unable to sleep since 1:24. This is not how this night was supposed to go down.

The whole family is sleeping, including my husband who, despite his best intentions, I kind of want to kill right now. You see, he’s an amazingly thoughtful and considerate man but, I'm 42 weeks pregnant and he is not.

He sleeps peacefully. I do not.

He is able to roll over and get comfortable because he is the same weight he was 9 months ago. When I want to roll over? I am more like an upside down turtle struggling to get off its shell.

He has a normal functioning bladder. He goes to the bathroom before bed and not again until the morning. I have to pee pretty much all the time, day and night. Getting out of bed to do so is no easy task. Again, turtle.

Sure, it’s not technically only his fault I’m supersized and unable to sleep. But, let’s just say it’s no mystery why a female spider eats her mate. Poor guy is probably better off.

If I were a spider, I would eat everyone right now. At the top of the list would be those who have advised, “Be sure to get your rest now because you won’t be getting any for a loooong time.”

Really? Thanks, because sleeping is actually a physical impossibility for me right now. A matter of fact, I haven't had a good solid night sleep since 2007, before my first child.

Supposedly insomnia is normal at the end of pregnancy to get you used to being awake during the night. I think this is the worst idea Mother Nature ever came up with. Ever.

I vote extra sleep in pregnancy, basically 4 solid months of sleeping, Sleeping Beauty style. And when it’s time for baby to arrive, he/she does so by stork. Who’s with me?